It will all be alright in time.

Told my mom I wanted to seek impatient… she said more “problem” isn’t “bad enough yet” Is she just waiting for me to kill myself? really mom? like fuck. I’ve tried to kill myself six or seven times in total in like the past six months. is she waiting for it to work one time? just so she can say “Oh we were just about to send her away, we were too late. too bad.” and my fucking dad. gosh we all live in the same house and he doesn’t know shit about this. but anyways I poured everything about why I cut out to her… and she just smirked and said “oh sweetie you’ll get over this. it’s just a pathetic little phase, you’ll be fine.” really bitch? will I be fine when I land myself in the hospital? again? hm? fuck. like I ask for help and no one will give it to me. counselors do shit nothing for me. I just sit there and talk as they nod and yeah “snap a rubber band on you wrist.” “you have to conquer the bad thoughts.” etc. like bitch do you I can just rummage through my brain and change the way I think? no cuz I’ve already tried. and the rubber band thing… God well I had those taken away two days after starting that little charade. bruised myself from the shoulders down. It didn’t help… It triggered me and I had to go to Lowes to buy a fucking razor. yeah wood shop project as I tug at my sleeves. like gosh. I don’t even know why I am writing this but I just need to vent. like I can’t get over the fact that I really want help. I am screaming for help… yet she just sits there and says it isn’t bad enough. whatever… I don’t want to be a waste of money to them. whatever like I’ll deal on my own like they all expect me to. but when you find me lying in my room with a razor tonight like every other don’t expect me to stop when the door opens this time. :’c